Yesterday I started taking ADD meds for the first time ever. I can give some background to that later on, but for now I just want to journal how I feel each day so that I can see whether things are improving. Right now, I have a headache and I feel terrible. But first, let's talk about yesterday.

I woke up really late - 3 pm, to be exact (sadly not unusual for me) - so I hesitated to take what is essentially speed, since I already have insomnia issues. Still, there's no time like the present, so I took my 50 mg of Vyvanse in addition to my newly-increased 20 mg dose of Lexapro. Two months ago at this time I was suicidal every day. 10 mg of Lexapro has helped with that, but with few other aspects of my mental health: lethargy, amotivation, forgetfulness, disorganization, distraction, anxiety, insmonia (and then subsequent over-over-oversleeping)... I'm sure you get the picture. I had suspected I may have ADD for a long time, but was always afraid to ask a doctor for fear of looking like a pill-seeker. But when my new practitioner mentioned it to me, I was happy to talk.

So day one. Yesterday. I had already been experiencing some weakness, nausea, and lack of appetite (possibly from the Lexapro, possibly from the antibiotics I'm on for a respiratory infection), and I would say that this times ten pretty much characterizes my first day of Vyvanse. I didn't really feel it kick in, but soon began to feel a little high, and my brain felt really active, as if I couldn't NOT be looking at something, touching something, etc. I forgot to bring a book in the car so I started reading the return policy on my Old Navy invoice. Then I talked Mr. Crazy's ear off. These effects continued until about 9:30, when I felt a sudden crash. It's so hard to explain - it's how I feel now - desperately tired, but impelled, somehow. On the brink. Not exactly nervous - my mind feels calm - but my body feels ready to burst. I didn't do much, in the way that ADD meds are supposed to make you able to focus and concentrate, except go shopping (and that was characterized by my usual scattershod impulsivity.) I came home, and could. not. sleep. I felt really tired and even went to bed at 2 am, way earlier than usual, but I soon had to get up and didn't go back until after 5. Unfortunately, I also didn't do anything useful while I was up - just sat online, of course. I spent the hours of 5 to 11 am in a kind of not-quite-sleep, drifting in and out of alertness, always feeling awake but realizing that I must have been asleep at some point.

This morning I got out of bed at 11 - much earlier than usual - and didn't feel tired! Amazing. However, I also didn't feel particularly energetic. I drank a cup of General Foods International Coffee (Hazelnut, natch) and took my current cocktail, which includes my crazy meds plus my antibiotic and a Vitamin D supplement. I began to feel incredibly weak and tired around 1:30 pm, and realized I hadn't eaten. I had an apple instead of laying down or throwing up, and felt better right away. But not normal better, just better than I was. Today is reminding me why I went off all my SSRIs in the first place. I feel different. Bad different. Anyway, I sat around most of the day, and then when my kids got home from their grandparents' I actually played a game with them. I usually don't have the patience for such things. Around 6:30 or 7, I realized I needed to put my daughter's new summer clothes away. This rapidly turned into me cleaning out and organizing her entire closet (hey, I do have a consignment sale coming up, it needed to be done!), which eventually ended with me, grouchy, sweaty, overheated, irritable, and starving, yelling at the kids to please please leave me alone so I could finish. Mr. C had to put the kids to bed while I scarfed down some light fare. I haven't been eating much at all. I am also thirsty all the time and incredibly sensitive to temperature. I have always had a tendency to overheat very quickly, but this is worse.

So once the crash came tonight, I realized I was feeling sad. Very sad. Very down. Suicidal, almost. This is not good at all. I hope this med does not bring my depression back because that is the absolute worst thing that could happen. I am calling the doctor tomorrow.